i have a very difficult relationship with anyone i call a friend. at least, from my perspective.

"but, aren't you supposed to have a good time with your friends, and have a good relationship with them, at least most of the time?" sure, yes. that's true, for the most part, but even so, i can't fathom trying to keep up a relationship with anyone i like. maybe that's because of my views on romantic relationships, and how difficult i've found to get into one. a fate i've mostly accepted, even if it exposes parts of my psyche i'd rather not face.

for me, a good romantic relationship *must* occur only when you have achieved a strong platonic relationship with someone, for two years. after that, if the two people (or more) consent to having a romantic relationship and have "romantic feelings" for each other, then, i would say, they have achieved a good romantic relationship, at least from a baseline.

obviously, there's a lot more to any relationship than just that. there are a lot of questions to ask, like:

"how well do you deal with conflict in your relationship with this person?"

"how do you deal with needing to comprise in said conflicts?"

"how do you deal with boundaries and when they're broken, for whatever reason?"

and many more. romantic and sexual questions and reasons as well. but, those aren't really relevant to what i'm trying to get at here.

why are these stipulations of romantic relationships relevant to friendship?

well then, why don't we talk about the things i think are necessary for having a platonic relationship with someone?

if i am to consider someone my friend, then we must:

- have friendly platonic feelings for each other (whatever that means)

- deal with conflict swiftly, and have clear and strict boundaries that when crossed have *fast* and clean consequences (emphasis on fast)

- simultaneously be able to "read" someone's emotional state and body language, yet also being as clear as possible on their thoughts and feelings on anything

- not agree with everything the other wants or agrees, i.e. have clear differences and boundaries

- accept my fluctuating identity and preferences and life, as i will for theirs

- see and think of each other at least twice a year

now, looking at these, i would say they're not that hard to achieve. and if one is an emotionally intelligent person and is generally caring for people around them, then it's likely we'll be friends. and i don't really mind saying that, even as i've claimed that i have a hard relationship with platonic relationships.

so then, what makes it hard? well, let's go over the couple of bullet points that make it hard for me to have a good relationship with any of my friends.

for me to consider someone as a close friend, i (key word on i), must be able to:

- tell them nearly the entire truth of how i feel about something or someone AND tell them how much it impacts our relationship

- be able to see them at least twice a week

- annoy/ pester them with dumb shit and have them know its a joke

easy, again, save for maybe that first part. what makes it hard is my final thought on how i interact with people.

not every principle is relevant, and i think keeping it as a mystery is more fun anyway, but one "line" from my list of friendship principles makes it hard, and it's kind of already been stated.

the acceptance of fluctuating identity and preferences and life. extended upon, it sounds like:

"accept the difficulties and differences that we may disagree with, never see again, or see right now."

there's just one problem.

i don't actually follow this principle. not honestly, anyway.

to me, though i pride myself and am seen as a non-judgemental person in either online or real life spaces, i am excessively critical and, i guess, perceptive of people's faults?

i realize know, as i'm writing this live, that saying that makes me sound like those people who say "oMg gUyS iM aN eMpAtH". but anyway.

it's really not that hard for me to see where people will find issues in their life as soon as they tell me. an ignored habit, a blind spot in their self-awareness, or just a complete lack of awareness in a specific subject or area, either accidental or intentional, becomes something that i can perceive as a "problem". they're sometimes easy things, like a smoking habit, and sometimes harder like "a tendency to agree with others when their true opinions differ" or "a penchance for seeking physical sensate experiences at the expense of their future". and maybe those can be simplified, but, bad habits are everywhere. everyone has them.

the question then becomes: "why don't i accept these differences? why don't i try my hardest to understand that not everyone is perfect?"

well. um.

i don't really know. but i kinda do? i guess?

truthfully, i think of everyone as capable of being quote unquote "perfect", perhaps best phrased as "an enlightened being acting with perfect wisdom", which, at least i think, isn't actually that hard. conceptually anyway. the buddha did become enlightened after meditating under a tree for over a month they've said anyway, but he did advocate for "the middle way", a way between his extreme devotion and the truths and necessity of the mortal, material world.

but i think, at my heart, because i have this belief that because everyone can be enlightened and have perfect wisdom, that they should. and more than that, that i have the perfect wisdom that they should be seeking.

indeed, i want to be wise and perhaps "god", or the most perfect being there is. wiser than most i've met, better than everyone i've ever talked to, worthy of taking cigarettes from strangers and deep conversations with every single person, because i have a deep "inherent" understanding of the world around me.

but i don't. it is a conceited and trite thing to think that oneself is enlightened and beyond the mortal truths of the world, even if they have the "perfect" wisdom people speak of. i'm not god. even though there are concepts that can state that people are god because of a "state of oneness" or that "the temple of god resides within the self and all things, therefore everyone and everything is god—a pigeon can and likely is enlightened for it pursues its purpose without being restrained by intelligent reason", i don't *want* to think of myself as a god.

but through my relationship with people, with faith and religion, with statements people make, and connecting all of these things together, i have come to a conclusion that i hate.

becoming a person, becoming anything that is respected or liked, or even "friendly" requires one to accept some level of "godhood".

perhaps that's a strange statement to make out of the blue, but please let me explain.

from my very general understanding of religion and spirituality and "god" as a being or concept, i have come to understand that faith and religious views are nothing more than "nothing statements that we respect". there is no need for us to respect the ideal of "don't murder other people", even if we can support these ideals with reason. there are (as sad or, perhaps fortunate?) to kill people or not kill people. maybe it is good to kill a serial killer of 40 because of their diagnosed mental illness and belief that other people are evil. maybe it isn't because "life is a gift" or "the suffering they will experience is worse than death"

but, again, they're just ideals. they are things we prescribe to and respect because of some internal feeling that "killing people is bad" or "killing bad people is good therefore it trumps the feeling of being bad". we call upon that internal wisdom, the stories we've been told, the things we feel, the things we logically understand, to come up with these things. it's just the human experience.

but is it "god"? i'm not sure, but, really, the answer and truth i'm trying to get at isn't that information is "god" or that "god" even exists.

i mean to propose that (at least in this point in time with my perception of religion and seeing people use their beliefs and understanding of the world) that religion and "god" come about as an answer to life's unanswerable questions, and as a method of respect towards ideals, wisdom, and anything that can be given respect.

someone who reads a lot of philosophy and religion will come across many ideas, yes. they will come across the ideas they like, the ideas they dislike, and many more, but, to me, the ideas and beliefs they "respect" become this divine influence that they accept and state as "true" or "great". the same with someone who is a devout person to their own religion. perhaps "god" to them is the great creator, male, female, or non-binary who created the world and made manifest the things within it, and created the laws and rules of math, science, life, etc. but, truly, it irks me to say that, because i think this is true (at least right now) that these statements mean something.

if "god" is that which we respect, the rules we obey, the things we say, then indeed, god is in everything, sure, but more than that, "god" *is* the rules we obey, the boundaries we set, the inner world we have that we think about forever and always,

and then, of course, our friends and partners.

if we are to think of our friends and partners, companions, etc. as people to respect, to think of, to believe in, to say "i love you to", then we have given them something we cannot get back: our time and space.

and that too, perhaps, in what i've been saying, is "god".

we have given someone our time to listen to their stories, to their experiences, to their intelligence and reason, and now we can't get that back. those feelings are forever in their experience, in their heart, perhaps in their memory or ours. and, maybe, if they're smart, faithful, or willing enough,

they'll be willing to give it back.

and i...

really.

really.

fucking hate that.

when someone gives you that power of god,

when someone gives you that attention, that love,

that thing that can never be taken back

it is a precious, simultaneously effortless and laborious thing that everyone can give, can take back,

and yet can never reverse.

the reversal of giving isn't taking. and the reversal of taking isn't giving.

the reversal, the things that completely undoes the "transaction" that takes place is if the transaction never happened at all.

no transaction is perfect. and while friendships aren't transactional business contracts, even as you try to set rules,

as an interactive experience between two different human beings, they will always come with strange outcomes.

perhaps this one friend likes french fries and never got to eat them as a kid. so buying $5 dollars of french fries buys their friendship.

perhaps this other friend hates french fries because of their taste, and spending that $5 dollars on them reduces your friendship.

or perhaps it is an expectation you will buy them fries every time now, or an unexpected action you've never taken before. it's a fundamental truth of life, as well.

energy cannot be created or destroyed. it can only be transferred. but in this mortal coil, there exist very few perfectly efficient transfers of energy. and energy is always moving towards entropy. to it's chaotic state of equilibrium where everything is still.

only god can control where it goes. only god knows.

but if you know, even a little bit, as you likely do if you can read this or understand this,

then you are god. in some sense, maybe.

you are and are capable of the power to influence others and the world around you. it is a magical thing that most people only get for around seventy or eighty years on this earth. maybe less. not really more than 100.

perhaps you have contended with this truth. i haven't, that's for certain.

it is a difficult and hard thing to accept yourself as the king of your own life. it is easy to think of god as a being or creator in the sky, and they are the ones that dictate that which happens in your life, and you just must accept it.

but the harder truth to contend with is that you are a human being with the godlike power to influence the world and people around you with the highest fidelity that has been physically manifested in the world.

that is hard.

and, really, i don't want it. maybe you do.

but i don't.

when you accept someone as a friend, as a human, maybe even as a partner, animal or human (perhaps those are the same?)

you are accepting a mutual "godlike" or maybe even "divine" relationship. you influence them, and they influence you. there isn't really another choice if you're doing right, or at all, i think. to not think of how you're influencing others is not even just "inconsiderate" or "un-self-aware", it's literally just being intentionally dumb for most people. there are people and beings that are physically incapable of understanding such things. as a human who can understand (if you can), if you don't consider the feelings or thoughts of others, you are ruining yourself and your life. end of story, at least for me in this moment of time.

but, to bring it back to what we were talking about at the beginning or halfway through...

why did i ever mention romantic relationships in the first place? what's this about the difficulty you have in making or having friends? does this principle of accepting others as who they are really a difficult thing to abide by?

to answer the last one, yes. but to give a better answer to all three by extending my answer:

i don't like having control over my own life.

i don't want to be self-aware, or intelligent, or able to type on a keyboard.

i want to be a pigeon, but maybe even less than that. a pigeon can control its wings.

at the point at which someone or something has control, it has reached a point at which it is influencing itself and the world around it.

but if you can control the world around you, you have choices. and there are always wrong choices. there is always imperfect.

truly, i think the reason i don't want to have friends, a platform, a life, a reason to exist, is because, to me, there exist only two options to any interaction:

become god, or cease to exist.

god's hands are sometimes tied. but when god doesn't exist, neither does the world, or the existence at all.

...

maybe my life is too further razed in thinking of things in this strange spiritual way.

i used to think and have friends to whom i'd be able to talk about this sort of thing with, but now, i'm just left with myself.

and this platform, to which somehow i've created myself.

you may have one more question, maybe.

earlier, i posted on my neocities profile that the blog post that comes with a story that i just posted is coming soon.

obviously, this is the blog post i wanted to state. but how does it have relevance?

well, if you did read "The Snake in the Well", then, my answer is this (and i do ask if you haven't read to take a look at it, just because it's my best work i've had so far, writing wise):

the friend i speak of in that story is quite real. indeed, the story i wrote is almost entirely a real-life translation of what happened, with a few adjustments for literary and personal creative liberties for the story and for fun.

but, it is quite real.

i never mentioned her name, but we'll call her "nelly".

nelly was very much like what i've described there.

but, i'd like to think, that because of what i've said here,

that i really could've been more of her friend. more in her life if i decided so.

i could've been god to her. and she could've been to me.

and maybe that would've been a good relationship for me to face considering we were so similar in many ways.

but the fact that i denied my friendship with her, i think i really denied myself during those early days in university.

i think i committed the greatest sin of all: lying to myself.

...

but honestly, i don't know.

writing this right now, where i am, i am very out of it. i am very sad, frankly.

i keep thinking of friends that i had, friends that were, things that could've been that weren't, etc.

i don't give myself into the moment. i don't allow myself to live in the right now. i'm always thinking of what isn't there, and looking in from the sidelines so that i don't actually have to look at what i'm doing or what's going on.

i just ignore what's going on when i'm the active talker, when i'm the one who's in control. mostly, anyway. i just make sure things are in order. never really fully giving myself.

because if i were to do that...

i'd accept myself as god. controlling everything on the page, on the script, past, present, and future.

and again, i'd really rather not be the one in control.

only when i'm drunk, intoxicated, or out of this world.

i can't be a god amongst men.

i can only become god when i'm not human.

at least, this is my thought.

how do you see your friends?

are they god? someone you respect? is respect and devotion god?

maybe i have this all wrong, and i won't deny i'm going outside of my own reins writing this while intoxicated,

but i really can't deny that friendships are hard, because real friends are the ones that see me, and when they see i don't want to have control or that i have too much or that i can

i want to freeze up, and just let the world take me.

...

anyway.

maybe i have a bad relationship with my friends seeing them as slightly venerated beings above me, putting them on a pedestal.

i know they're human.

but is it so wrong of me to want to just watch alongside another being,

and have us pretend that the other doesn't really exist?