it's likely no secret i'm a queer individual.

though i don't mean to tell cisgender people how they feel and how they are, i am not... certain that most cisgender people are comfortable with using all pronouns. most i know that delve into that sort of sphere tend to go in the direction of at least accepting they/them pronouns into their usual cisgender bracket of pronouns if they're open. the rest, which is basically everyone i know tend to just stick to using their usual bracket, but with an increased awareness of queer folk and respecting people's pronouns.

it's weird, because even though i've been in the queer community for a while and have also engaged in discussions around my own gender identity and in gender philosophy and studies, i still really do not know what i'd like to identify as. i have solid things i like to *not* be, but for the sake of safety, i won't reveal what those things are. the most that i'd like to be, really, is just a genderfluid individual capable of experiencing all genders and gender perceptions whenever i'd like. one day i can choose to be a man, the next a woman, the next, both, or neither, or like, i don't know, maybe even standing outside of the concepts of gender entirely? that'd be nice, i think.

i know that as a young person at 21, i'm not entirely expected to know these things, but i feel as though the world around me keeps asking for a solid identity, solid thing, solid thing that i want to be. when i'm forced into doing that, forced to be illuminated into being "something" and something "nameable" or "identifiable", i become afraid and honestly a little pissed, even if they're traits that i like or want. it becomes so strong, that desire to fit in and become finally involved with my personality that doesn't exist, that i start to use personality tests to an insane degree.

a degree that is... probably a little problematic?

at least in my opinion. the problem, if you could call it that, is that, for the past couple of years, i keep taking these dumb personality tests, like the enneagram, mbti, horoscopes, sometimes even homestuck aspects or attempting to identify with video game classes or characters i see in fictional media. i keep searching. constantly. but even more than that, i keep searching for specific personalities i like, and try my hardest to embody them because i think "cool" or "hot" or "what i'd really like to be". i'm not even sure what that desire constitutes. am i just wanting to be that because it fills some void in my heart? because i'm not as strong as they are, not as chill, not as analytical, not as "based", not as "cool", whatever the fuck?

probably, honestly. i really cannot tell what personality i have, what role i want to or need to fit in this world where i'm asked to have an identity, a specific thing, but in reality, i don't actually care too much for those sorts of things.

but, is me saying that cope? am i just trying to run away from my real personality by being edgy and being like "aCtUaLlY i hAvE nO pErSoNaLiTy sO i'M cOoLeR iN tHaT wAy gUys"?

like honestly, maybe, idfk. i do want to be cool, analytical, a void, knower of secrets, caster of dark magicks (what ever the fuck that means in a real world context)? but i don't really think i'm any of those, when it comes down to it. like, in all honesty, i am an actual fucking void, lmao, and that's not even to be cool or try to say that's "what i am".

most of my time i spend on this earth is spent playing games, passively listening to music and doing almost literally nothing with my life. i have an art degree i'm studying for, sure, but, in all honesty, i think i took that because i thought i'd get something new, something different, a new life. but i still constantly feel like the same person—this nothingburger person, intelligent enough, but not super smart, artistic enough, but no da vinci, friendly or charming enough, but never really a "best friend", or close enough for a romantic partner or anything like that, and all in all, just mediocre. a mediocre person with a mediocre life.

but like, wouldn't it be nice if i was an insanely analytical person with a mind like lightning, a coder so insane, a developer, a thief, a magician, an everything? like omg guys look at this guy. he/she/they is/are so cool guys. they can do anything. she is so cool. he's like my bestie. they can code or hack into anything. she's my partner. i'd trust him with anything, i wish i could be with him all the time.

or something like that? it'd be nice, i think, to be emotionally affirmed in that way. sad to say i won't really be getting that sort of affirmation.

let me be clear when i say that—sure, someone could give me that affirmation. "wow misty, you're so cool!", and that'd technically be close, but i'm not looking for that.

i'm really just wishing that i could find this sort of feeling inside. that i could truly say to myself "i am cool" or "i am capable", or anything like that. perhaps even "i am void" because i desire being the void aspect from homestuck so much (even though i've barely read it and just learn about it from friends as i slowly progress through the insanely long narrative), or an analytic personality, cold, calm, detached, whatever. i think i just care too much, but not enough to care, simultaneously. isn't that so cool? what a fun contradiction.

it makes me think a lot of time, the whole point of life, growing up, self-improvement, etc. like, if i can find that "thing" that society and myself wants me to be, asks me to be, and is okay with me being, won't i be fulfilled finally? but i don't know. i don't think such a thing exists. i think i'd erase so much of what i'd want in the real world if i did that. the real world doesn't accept my gender identity, sometimes my art, sometimes even just me. if i were to fully go out there, i feel like my heart would rip to shreds, and i'd be dissastified with the identity the world has created for me. as much as i know that identity is a self-centered thing, a thing that others respect, even, but if i became *those things*, which is to say, the things i'd much rather not be but know that the world wants me to be, because it's easy, and because i can live, make money, etc. that i'd really just end up.... i don't know, killing myself?

and there's no real way to improve yourself if you're dead or if you don't know where you wanna go, right?

...

oh well.

this is the energy, i'm going into july with, i guess xD

all i really hope to find right now is a job. i don't have that, and i know that it'll help.

but, is this way society is supposed to work?

asking for a job, living until your last breath, not knowing what you really wanted?

maybe not, but i have a feeling that we're all asked to anyway.

why does society ask who you are, when asking that question to so many brings despair?