as an artist (or, as i'd prefer to format it though think it might be a bit pretentious, "artist", because i don't really see myself as one) and a person who is studying to become that magical profession, i think there is an innate expectation that i make drawings or paintings, or that i am creative and have a desire to create. that's true for most artists, or even many people alive today. though i study the fine arts and am surrounded by people who have an obvious attachment to doing something creative with their lives and allowing their vision to come through, i find that even in STEM spaces and business or finance spaces, many people have a drive to create that they keep as a hobby or desire to eventually turn into a full-time job, but just can't envision a way for them to break into the market. or perhaps, they see that the economy and landscape for creatives is a little terrible, and is better suited as a hobby.

indeed, it's arguably true that the current economy and state of affairs in the fine art or even illustration world are some of the worst they've been in (thank you, image generating AI systems), but there are still people who create their own drawings, games, music, fictional pieces of writing, etc. all for themselves or to propose once again, some vision to the outer world, aesthetic, philosophic or idea based or both. they have a drive that is internal, to say "i want to say this for myself" or "i want to show the world what i've seen and what i see", or some other version of that. this mindset is a lot better than most peoples' "art is only a hobby" mentality, because, while it is difficult, it is possible to break into the industry even if there are significant downsides and barriers to do so. even modelling can be a bit realistic. hobbies don't need to stay hobbies, and parents (i've especially noticed this in parents) who claim that their child is "mature" and "grounded" in their approach to pursue finance or nursing are devaluing the work and necessity of creative pursuits. they say no to the internal drive, that it must be kept complacent.

with that said, that many people having a drive they keep complacent, i have to claim, detestably, that I don't really have this sort of drive. that internal burn to create, even though i am actively attending school at a place that attempts to foster that.

sure, i have written that creative piece you can find in relics, or even these blog posts and essays, but i find a specific kind of depression in only being able to write like this or program as opposed to create music or draw art, even though i am specifically going to school for those things. isn't that strange? creative writing isn't even a fundamental or frequently instructed part of my post-secondary education. how does that make any sense?

i'll state first that it's likely i do have this drive at least slightly, and indeed some of it does exist (i write this blog for myself, i write creative pieces as a way to cope, etc.), but that, in reality, i think there is a part of me that is stuck due to one part of my mindset i can't ignore.

i do all these things, perhaps even live my own life, to fulfill a sort of obligation. i feel obligated to make art, to make food for myself, to live as a human.

when something like art becomes obligation, making images, drawing something, it loses its sense of magic, the wonder of creation, and art becomes rated for its technical and aesthetic prowess over its creation. do i think that's a bad thing?

i have to say, regrettably, i don't necessary believe so, though i do worry that does make me an elitist. i'm actually thankful that i have become an artist in some sense, someone who has learned a few of the tricks of the visual, auditory, and even performance artist's trade. i feel much more able to criticize and view art as something that is man-made, and part of the human experience rather than some arcane, godlike, unchanging spiritual "thing" that mortal men cannot touch. but, though i hate to say it, i do internally, just a tiny bit, believe that there is a spectrum of good art and bad art. this view of "good" and "bad" is not simply based in its aesthetic structure, but a holistic view of how it presents itself, ideologically, aesthetically, and perhaps politically or how much it relates to our real world. the basis and specificities of my "aesthetic morals" aren't really too relevant to this conversation. what does matter, is that, because i do believe there is "good" art, "bad" art and "mediocre" art and the spectrums between, i am inherently assigning an internal value to the art i experience.

and might i say, that i think that i create awful art?

it's true, really. as much as i don't want to admit it. i think that i create visual depictions, auditory experiences, interactive objects, and written narratives that are mediocre, or bad.

is this because i compare myself and get jealous? sure, i won't deny that. is it because i look at others and their projects and think "yeah, i want to make that!" and find that i am significantly out of my league and making something i have no clue how to even get started on? sure, that's a small part. is it the fact that i'm just stating that art is "good" or "bad" and that i should read a book on art and art philosophy? i'm already trying that, don't worry c;

but, irrespective of those things, i think that i'm really just apathetic toward the whole experience of art. and i really, really do not like that internal mindset i've made for myself.

believe me, i've tried to change it, but i really just cannot get it out of my head. i even almost wrote a mini-essay on this, where i said that "art is useless, and the only advancement for humanity is to make real, scientific advancements". after my crashout on that sphere, i realized that aesthetic too, is a function worthy of merit, like how prettier office spaces allow for better working conditions.

that does make me think though.

"is that it? do i just not care about art?"

no, obviously. i experience it all the time and appreciate its existence.

but i think the feeling is that i don't care enough about creating it. i don't believe i have anything interesting to say, anything that i am really capable of putting forward as a vision into the world that i think is worthy of looking at.

is abstract art worthy of looking at? obviously, yes, but i don't want to just create abstract art forever even if that's something i feel as though i'm quite capable of. my internal mindset of "good" and "bad" pushes me towards something sensical and perceivable, like sequential art and comics narratives, or animation, or videos, writing that has a specific story or even visual art that isn't "abstract", that has knowable and understandable "real objects" and "things" or "characters", and not just shapes.

but my brain doesn't work that way. similar to what i've said before on "humans need to be reasonable creatures who do not have whimsical desires like picture look good" (i'm paraphrasing of course out of self-mockery), i think much more in abstract ideas, dissecting things down to the way they work, or their big idea or the little ideas that combine into the big idea. i think less of what's there, and think of what's not there, and know that its lack reveals what's there. the negative space creates the positive space, and vice versa.

does this mean i have an excessively logical brain and can only think in number? fuck no! i haven't even taken a calculus class, and i need so many internet searches to even comprehend how to make websites work. i wouldn't even know how to describe what i have. i just intuit everything, and intuition is goddamn fast.

to return back to my own apathy on art, i believe this fast-paced intuition i "possess" is part of the problem. whenever i look at images, i tend to just look at the big picture, and the idea super quickly. i don't comprehend smaller details, sometimes including numbers, because they're stressful to have to comprehend. but big ideas, even computer programs with their "details" are based so much in mechanical structures that if you know what you're looking for and know how to word it or how it organizes itself, the method to using it, searching its process, etc. is revealed to you. visual art, auditory art, even narratives and interactive programming are absolutely not that. every detail needs to be there, made sense of, comprehended properly, for the visual story, auditory story, interactive story, or events story (narrative? idk) to absorb their reader into their world.

i think to myself a lot:

"wouldn't someone who thinks like me be perfect as an engineer or computer scientist, perhaps scientist of any kind?"

and i think that's close, because those disciplines are more focused on their ideas, and the details that make up those ideas, while obviously important in their own regard, aren't as important as the ideas implicit in the diacritics, lectures, even writing we make as humans. literature, academia, and research are more of my domain, i guess one could say. engineering and science do require a bit more experimentation (and i do love experimentation, i love breaking open game systems for overpowered attacks, or finding out how to fix something), but there's a lot more needed details and specifics in that sphere.

in that sense, i don't really know where my intelligence lies, because even in the hearts of my desires (one of them being the previously mentioned experimentation gig, i like just putting numbers and things in to get a bigger number, more op item, different effect, etc.), i can't find a solid centre that i'd like to focus on. all that i really have is an analytical mind, but a kind of analytic mind that isn't well developed in it's specific detail-oriented style. it's just been made manifest to comprehend ideas and language a bit quicker, and therefore, a little less comprehensively. i absolutely do not know as many things as my peers. i know less, even. or arguably, i know less on the things i am going to school for, perhaps the entire point, yes, but i can't help but feel a but inferior and helpless because all i have is mediocre computer science knowledge. i have a friend who i believe is just better than me in every way: intelligent, knows how to use computers, self-assured, knows how to draw and make art, etc. about the only things that are in her way are her physical and financial circumstances. she's quite poor, and unable to fully live her life due to chronic pains and disability. i guess that's not a direct parallel, but even so, i have a feeling that someone like her, who doesn't have those barriers, does indeed exist.

i do have this feeling, and do believe it can exist, it's just kind of a low probability, maybe. could i meet another person like that if i try hard enough? sure.

but i still can't escape the internal trap, the mindset, the idea.

i have already comprehended and perhaps "calculated" the fact that someone like that could really exist, even with flaws. isn't that enough?

i believe my dilemma stands in that one question.

"isn't that enough?"

i don't think so, but i still get so lazy and apathetic that it does become enough.

i have taken an animation class this summer where i made nearly every assignment i was given on the day of, every single time. i could chalk it up to the fact that i didn't split up my work into smaller portions, didn't know how to organize myself, etc. sure. sure that's all true.

but really, i think i just don't care. i really, truly, just cannot bring myself to care, even to wake up and get out of bed.

i went to school. isn't that enough? (i have money to put in the bank and bills to pay).

i ate breakfast. isn't that enough? can i sleep? (i have slept for 10+ hours and have an important class to go to today. i've skipped 4+ classes before this).

i woke up. isn't that enough? (it's 2am. i don't have anything to do, or if i do, i'm ignoring it because my bed is too comfortable).

i know a little bit of when i'll feel enough, when i'll feel sated, when i'll feel satisfied with the journey i've taken. i haven't touched on my jealousy of other artists at my institution, but i really have to say, i have an incurable jealousy for them, not simply because they can create better drawings than me, but because they enjoy it, wholly and deeply, more than i can currently imagine. i haven't have that spiritual experience with art or life yet that makes me want to live. maybe it's not even spiritual or as arcane as i'm making it sound. i'm just, kinda sad really.

i'm sad when i see my peers creating art and having fun, even just for a few seconds during the idea phase. i'm sad when i see my peers even enjoying each stroke they make because it's a character they like, and they wanna see them in the scenario they put for themselves.

that, i believe, is the unending despair i haven't yet been able to conquer.

i am an artist who hates creating art. but there is one thing i hate more than creating art. it's not doing that.

but these ideals compete so much with each other, sometimes the latter is lesser than the former. and even when it isn't, that final third "i don't care, isn't this enough?" pulls me back into my bed where i can sleep.

i don't even know what kind of intelligence i have or even if i am intelligent. so many will say that i am because we're all human, and we want to be affirmed. i won't deny that, won't deny that everyone has an intelligence, but perhaps i am attempting to look for an identity that doesn't exist, something that i can say that i am beyond all things, but i know in my heart, just being told isn't good enough. just knowing isn't good enough. everyone will tell you you're good if you're in the right space because it's the norm, and because of human nature.

what if someone didn't do that? what if i had all my flaws revealed to me?

i think even if that happened, i would simply weep, and allow it to be. crying that i haven't truly changed.

...

depressing, no?

haha, i agree.

if i had one wish, it'd be to understand this despair, and myself, maybe. the potential i have, perchance.

but even i don't know. i don't know what wish i really have. i don't know if that's my true wish.

for many months i have dreamed of knowing the secret of the world, seeing the hidden things, having forbidden knowledge or wisdom, having access to dark arcane, elder magic, etc.

but i don't know why i wish for it.

maybe it's because i think i don't have it, think that others do, and keep searching for something i might already have, or will never have.

maybe it's because i want to be powerful and seen, without the difficulty of actually being seen. maybe i want hidden power so that i can use it when it's necessary, when i need it, or some bullshit like that?

maybe i want to be different, something new, without really being something new. just a different flavour that's a bit more interesting.

maybe i want to be cool. maybe i want to be wiser or smarter, having something others don't.

i can't tell. i want it all. but i don't know why.

that too is depressing, that desire without reason. it's a cycle of depression.

...

what do you wish for?