a while back in the spring, i attended one of my friend’s birthday parties.

to be frank, i think it kind of sucked, at least personally. i wasn’t able to chat a lot with my friend, and most people i ended up chatting with ended in dry conversations, or conversations where i was absolutely wasted attempting to talk to someone, before realizing they were way out of my league intellectually, or wasted while talking with someone that doesn’t really care. that isn’t to say of course i think the only thing that makes a conversation good is intelligence or so-called “intellectual conversations”,i have had many conversations with people who have been said to have a “lower intelligence” and they are by far some of the best conversations i’ve had, because we were engaged in a topic, or even just having fun. but considering that nearly all of the conversations that weren’t dumb truth or dare circle conversations were of the “intelligent” kind, i was most certainly playing beyond my own capacity that night.

there were a few moments of niceness when the birthday girl received a nice cake as a gift with a cartoon character illustrated with edible sprinkles but the painting i ended up giving to her didn’t nearly give her the reaction i wanted. in hindsight, making it in a day likely wasn’t the best choice i could’ve made, but i look back and think i should’ve spent more time on it. or even just more time becoming a more “intelligent person”, or really engaging in conversation with the people i really did know. i ended up talking about immunology and studies with people i wouldn’t meet again, talking with people who were confused as to why i was there (me and my friend’s history is very strange and personal), and people who don’t really know how to talk with people. all in all, most of my experiences there sucked.

i say all this, yet still also say i had a very positive experience going there. perhaps that’s the alcohol talking, but there were a few people i did get to meet again that i truly enjoy talking to, even if i won’t see them again for a while (one of them is leaving to take an internship across the nation, and i also study away from home where they live). reconnecting with my friend who was the birthday girl was also nice, and even just being invited i think is a marvel in and of itself considering our history. i can’t reveal all of that right now since it’s all very personal and likely better communicated infiction, but nonetheless, i still really liked it. i do like parties and hanging out with people, even if i can’t connect deeply or talk much. i just like the presence of parties and people. it’s nice c:

it’s weird, because, at least on that day, i wasn’t the star of the show. i like it better like that, but in most instances, i find that in those conversations when i’m talking with someone, it’s a lot easier and nicer to just listen than it is to speak. i am much more able to communicate my feelings and experiences through writing them like this much less than i am in active conversation or even visual or sound art. writing to me is just a peaceful place where the words can give their meaning, rather than action, visual, or sound. in most instances, because a lot of my friends are the kind that don’t reach out too much (myself included), i tend to be the one who facilitates and organizes events. i don’t really like that role i play in the real world, but i still take it with pride because, at least in my view, part of being an adult with adult relationships is reaching out and sustaining relationships based on your own means and what’s realistic for you, not just staying in your own lane “hoping someone will come your way”.

perhaps that’s just me though. i know a lot of people who do that and have the inverse, where i feel they may be “over-socializing”, but that’s not really my place nor my ability to really speak on now xD

directly after the party, i wrote a play/tv script/ autofiction piece on it. you can read it here. you can also view it in relics.

names have been changed for obvious reasons, but there’s really only one person that’s not me i wrote about, and the birthday girl isn’t even referenced too hard in this, lmao.

i share this not just for myself, but in the hopes that if someone reads this and has a similar experience, that it’s not a bad thing to be a bit of a ghost in the background. sometimes you’re invited for the sake of higher numbers, or the sake of keeping up a relationship. but in this instance, even though all the evidence is there that i was kinda invited for those purposes, i think the ending of the piece speaks to a real truth in social events and being in the presence of people during the events they host for themselves.

for me, that was playing just dance with almost-strangers, laughing at things i didn’t understand, and living in that strange existence where i’m part of something but not really there. but i stayed, i showed up, and i left something for her to look back on. that means something, i think.